Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Twins

When we started our adoption process we knew there was such things as "failed adoptions" but we thought they were far and few and of course, wouldn't happen to us. I don't know even know how to explain the pain and sadness you go through. I remember thinking, "When will we stop praying for the boys? When is it okay to not consider them part of our family?" 

Soon after we had our home study, we were matched with twin boys in Indiana
It all happened so quickly! I had a therapy appointment that day and Riley decided to join in. We told our therapist our situation (who is really more of our mentor/amazing friend) and he gave us the best advice. He said "Instead of asking the Lord is this wrong or right, ask him to stop you if it shouldn't be happening. Go about as if you are supposed to do this and if the Lord doesn't want it to happen, he will stop you." Riley and I have taken that advice in so many other circumstances in our lives since then. So we did just that.

We said many prayers together asking the Lord to stop this adoption if it wasn't supposed to happen. But miracles were happening! We gathered our huge lump some of adoption fee's in less then 48 hours! An amazing women from our church asked if she could give us her buddy passes so we could fly to Indiana as cheap as possible! And our marriage had never been stronger in those days heading up to seeing the boys. So, we figured this was Heavenly Father's way of telling us to go for it! These boys were ours!

We hoped on a red eye to Gary, Indiana and had never been so nervous in our entire lives. We planned it all out. These boys already had names and places to call home. 
 We then got the phone call to not go to the hospital. Our heart sank, we knew exactly where this was headed. To make a long story short, the birth mom was wanting more then what was given and we just couldn't give anymore (legally and physically). There were a few late nights of praying, texting family to pray and fast that these boys would be coming home. We needed these boys, they needed us, it was supposed to happen, it wasn't supposed to be stopped.

We were finally able to go to the hospital one day and meet our birth mom. You would have thought that Riley and I were meeting the president or something! We kept asking each other if we looked okay haha. She allowed us to go see the boys at the end of our conversation. And then it happened. We got to the NICU doors and the nurses wouldn't let us in (because the birth mom was being indecisive with the adoption) We were stopped. Looking back I see that's where the Lord stopped us. I know if I saw those boys, it would have been even harder to let go.

We would spend every evening at this abandon parking lot. We would walk up and down it over 10 times going over our situation and what to do. We needed to tell our lawyer and social worker if we were going to fight the birth mom for the boys. We prayed hard in that parking lot. And when we prayed we felt such a relief and peace about letting the boys go. They weren't ours. The Lord was stopping us. We told our social worker that we would be heading home.

Grief is so interesting between a married couple. We both grieved at different times. I couldn't stop crying after that night. I remember Riley going into the gas station the next day and I just sat in the car and cried. We went to the movies and I cried. Our flight wasn't leaving for 3 more days so we know we needed a distraction. We drove the 2 hours to Chicago and I cried on the way and then tried my best to enjoy myself while there.

I cried lots and cried when the cab driver asked why we had two empty car seats. But when we got home, I was okay. Not good but okay. When we were in Indiana, Riley was okay, he wasn't mad or angry but when we got home, his grief kicked in. He was angry and mad and so many other emotions. 

It was interesting to see us both grieving the same but at different times. We needed to be there for one another and be the strong one at different times. I'm so grateful for a husband and friends who let me cry who let me be sad so I could mourn our baby boys and move forward.

This birth mom decided to parent. Am I angry or bitter or mad with her? NO! She made a huge decision keeping these boys and she loved them so much.

Failed adoptions happen. Hard things happen in adoption.They just do. That's why you will never hear "Adoption was the easiest thing to do. It was so fun!" Haha, it's the hardest, saddest, biggest growing pain process. But it's 110% worth it.

We did stop praying out loud for the boys, we did stop calling them "our boys". It took a while, but it didn't stop because we stopped caring about them. We talk about them often and wonder how they are doing and how adorable they would be. We were comforted and at peace that these weren't our twin boys.

We needed to go that far in that adoption for so many reasons. We have grown so much and learned to rely fully on the Lord and to be more in tune with the spirit. And if that means going through one of the hardest trials to learn those things, then so be it.

**We don't know how the twins are doing, we do know the birth mom decided to parent. We just pray they are loved and well taken care of**

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

10 Random Thoughts

1.  Lemmon has not slept in past 6:30 once this vacation 😓 I don't know how I am functioning! There's no such thing as sleeping in on vacation with a child, right? ;-)

2. Why do bean and cheese burritos taste better in California by the beach? Seriously, I can eat one every single day and be happy. Ooops!

3.  I have been in bed before 10 every night. Haven't done that in forever! Maybe that's how I'm functioning. haha.

4. Lemmon's first birthday is in 2.5 months and I am still at a loss for what kind of party to do for her. We are taking her to Disneyland in October, but we still need to party in August. Any ideas?

5. I think when we get back home, I'm going to get Lemmon a kiddie pool for the backyard. That girl could play in water all day if I let her.

6. I ordered the cutest distressed jean shorts for California and the reviews said to order a size bigger. So I did. And they are like 3 sizes to big! I'm so bummed and hate returning things.

7. Our adoption is officially done! Wooohoo!! We are just waiting for a new birth certificate with her new last name! I think we will throw a party when that comes in the mail ;-)

8. I probably tear up about 5 times a day reading some peoples direct messages of how Lemmon's adoption has impacted their lives. Or just simply how Lemmon's pictures make their day.

9. I think I've spent half my budget on Nektar out here. Lemmon loves it to though!

10. The Squeeze has learned where her nose and mouth are in spanish. Proud mama moment right there! I never thought I would have a bilingual child.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Adoption Q&A Part 2

***You can find our Adoption Q&A Part 1 HERE***

On our way to meet our birth mom and bring The Squeeze home

5. For people that aren't religious, are there agencies for us?
YES! I recently saw an agency looking for an adoptive family with no religious preference (birth mom's choice) Our agency and others that we looked at did not have a religious preference that we needed to be. I'm pretty sure our birth mom didn't know we were LDS (it says in our paper work) she just loved that we loved God. There are agencies were they ask that you have certain religious requirements but I know our agency didn't and the other ones we looked at were the same. Most birth mom's just want their babies to be loved and raised in a good home :-)

6. How did you decide to adopt a baby in the U.S. verse outside of the country?
When we first wanted to adopt, we started looking into other countries but soon learned how hard it is to get pass the countries embassy and the cost that goes into it. It is possible, of course! But we didn't have the money or time. You do need to pay for your transportation out there and yours and the child's back to your country. Some countries require for you to live out there for a certain time. Some wont release a child until you have officially adopted them and then they need to stay in their country for x amount of time. I love watching couples stories who have adopted outside of the county! It's a miracle of an adoption!

Our first family picture!!

7. How do you get over the fear of having a "tough baby"? i.e. Were you aware of the biological mother's habits? Is that all out in the open?
Please don't think this question is shallow, because we had the same question and our incredible therapist answered it perfectly! If we could have gotten pregnant on our own then how would we know our baby wouldn't be a "tough baby"? Touche! Each child has their own personality and will do things different then you and I. If you mean drugs/alcohol problems? Yes, we are aware of any of that! We were presented with a birth mom were the baby was on drugs. We had to really think and pray hard about our decision with that case. The birth mom can disclose as much information or as little as she wants. Some babies come with zero information. We were lucky enough to sit with our birth mom for a couple days and pick her brain as much as we could. And we loved that! Lemmon will be able to know so much about her birth mother and even herself!

8. How much does it cost?
HUGE question! Our number one question we asked! But it's hard bc adoption can vary. I've seen cases start at $4,000 and go to $50,000. It depends on if you are private or with an agency. We knew that going private would be A LOT cheaper but we would and will pay our agency all over again with how incredible and fast our experience was.